Random thoughts: Of drunk Kenyans and “kuna tender flani”
10 months ago, 3 Jan 13:41
If you’re like most Kenyans, you probably went out during the December holidays and there is a chance that you met up with an old friend. “WEWE! Long time… let me get you a drink.” It’s always hilarious how intoxication can bring out the unexplored side of you. “Habari ya kupotea? Mi ni kunangana tuu”. There will always be a hint of the achievement story. “Nilikuwa nimeenda France kiasi na nikarudi works Kenya”. What they won’t tell you is that they went to France 3 years ago and that it was on a work assignment. “Sahii ni kutafuta biz flani tu.” Drunk Kenyans are experts at business plans. There and then, your long lost friend will start pitching the idea. From capital to logistics to the market research. It will all look solid. “Nakuambia hii biz ni noma. Hapa tunachezea league ya Kirubi… tutamake doh”. You start picturing yourself naked on a private beach ignoring calls from your crushes past. You see yourself reading the “Aki sweetie I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you were rich” texts from your ex and laughing to yourself as you tell the waiter, “Leta whiskey mbili. Moja yangu na ingine upatie zile samaki”. You start making mental plans on how you will finally move to Runda and live happily ever after. The fantasy of ditching Japanese cars for the more luxurious European cars feels real. Sold to the dream, you are lost in the moment and choose to make a terrible financial decision of spending your meager resources as you say “Enyewe Johnny, pewa kachupa ya whiskey”. You see this as an investment in your new business partner. “2018 IS MY YEAR” you post on twitter with a confidence that you have new found wealth. The night is great. Drunk promises are made and you get your new partners contacts. “Nitakupigia Monday tuendelee na story ya hii biz”. That morning you get home, still intoxicated but more optimistic about the future. “After all these years, I’m finally going to be rich”, you say to yourself. You even start to pee different and your voice tone over the phone changes. “Aah…. One million? Hio pesa tutapata” On Monday after recovering from a weekend-long hangover, you mentally prepare for a phone call. You have rehearsed in front of the mirror like ten times. “We are finally gonna get rich” you say to yourself. With huge discomfort and a churning of your intestines, you finally make the call… “Samahani, mteja wa nambari uliyopiga hapatikani kwa sasa.” You try again… and again… and again. Soon enough, you start to accept reality. “This was just another fake business proposal made in a bar. Damn!” You curse. You are a few thousand shillings poorer because you attempted to bribe your new business partner with whiskey which they quite enjoyed. These fellow Kenyans! “Hio ingekuwa Njaanuary lunch…..” Now you have to settle for a soda and chapatti lunch and drive your 6th hand Japanese car for a little bit longer. “Sitawahi ...
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